Trust...

Trust cannot be treated in one blog post, but here's one wretched human's attempt to scratch the surface. Let's start with the irony of where I'm at.

In discerning the shorter-term future (short of the dream job of working as a campus minister in a Catholic high school), my heart is set on getting a Masters in Theology. I love studying theology, and I'm really attracted to the way an MA/MPS/M.Div can intimately include pastoral-ministerial applications in the formation (not just education). The coolest option for all that seemed to be adding the super-appealing element of post-grad service into it. ECHO combines all this to allow people to serve the Church, gain real experience, and get a Notre Dame MA-Theology formation. The dark-horse that snuck in and revised the straight path of all this was the House of Brigid. Once I had embraced the idea of post-grad service and once the program got up off the ground, Teach Bhride was in the picture. Having come to terms with the degree/extent of my gifts in music throughout college and witnessing the early evolution of the program's mission to encompass youth ministry, liturgical stuff, and catechesis alongside the music ministry affirmed that this would be a great opportunity to consider. Experiencing the home (home not house) that our first three volunteers cultivated affirmed to me that the difficulty of spending nine months abroad could be mitigated by the support of that community.

So in early 2011, I'll apply to and interview with ECHO and Teach Bhride and see what shakes out. The process of figuring that out lasted most visibly from early sophomore year through spring of this year and continues semi-latently always. The whole process involved a definite element of trust that grew, matured, and solidified along the way. Taking the step in my head and heart of trusting that the community could lead the way in upholding me in volunteering abroad was a huge step in actively trusting. I mean, none of this is a done deal beyond the simple reality that I will apply, but the discernment--the journey--is so revelatory and powerful.

Neither of these options are a slam dunk, but I trust that what each opportunity requires can be met by the combination of who I am (my gifts, etc.) and faith in God and His love around me in all forms. I need to continue to investigate other options and remain open, but the trust permeates the balance of what I need to consider as I move to the next step beyond college (perhaps a bit to blindly, but that will adjust).

The irony for me is that in the first weeks of senior year, I had been struggling mightily with trusting in the day-by-day. I love my major, my friends, my life, but I would let little things bug me more than usual. I wasn't sullen or depressed nor was I mad at anyone because I am blessed with a demeanor that doesn't ever really go down those roads. I would even have really good times, like at the first things for Folk Choir, seeing and hugging people, and catching up with beloved friends. However, the college-long weight of never finding any one go-to friend was hanging a bit heavier on me.

I was spoiled in London for four months with my buddy Dan, who was a wonderfully loyal travel companion and really stellar friend overall. Also, having my most important, meaningful relationship to date fall apart during summer was rough. Back on campus, where there are 8,000+ of us, it was back to a wash of good friends. In typical woe-is-me fashion, I would let focus shift back to the lack of a best-best friend on campus, belittling the preponderance of terrific people who are my friends or failing to lean on my lifelong best friend (Tim is 2,000+ miles away but we're still as close as ever). It was something that I didn't and don't want to run from; I don't want to tell myself that it's not a big deal because it is: I am wired to rely on a small group of close friends, and I lacked that biggest go-to guy/gal at the front of it.

Now, I am relaxing into a peace that goes back to a great piece of advice I got from my friend Lauren years ago after a flimsily justified break-up by a silly girlfriend: just go with the flow. Don't press too hard, but don't mope around hopelessly either. Or when it comes to the real tough case, my friend Michele simply advised, "Be the best you that you can be for her." Let go of rankings or classifications and all that. Let the disappoint exist but not in a dominating, disproportionate way.

Trust boils down to finding a happy middle between passive faith that "The Lord will provide" and overly autonomous notions that one can impose their will on life. Trust is residing in a consciously reached place that brings peace. It combines faith in God's loving hand with the reality that God gave us free will to decide things ourselves, and that our call is to bring our will into congruence with the will of God.

I have cozied myself into this place of trust. It is not a place of lazy indifference; it is not a place of super-assertive action. Instead, it is a moderated complacency to go with the flow. I need to reground this trust in diligent prayer to thank God for the grace to reach this place. Grace can be a catalyst for opening our eyes, and it is up to God to endow us with grace as He pleases. So let us not only pray that we may be graced but also trust that God will grace us in the best ways. For ultimately, His will is our peace.