The Grace of not Knowing

I think I've covered this in some shape or form through the blogs, but here is a newly recapitulation of one my central reflective discernment things...

Discernment is a lengthy process, lifelong perhaps--if not for a specific vocation, for the way to live out vocation daily. In a society and culture that craves definition, description, and exactitude (that's a real word!?), the process of discovering one's gifts and determining how those gifts can serve God's world, its people, and its needs can be bungled.

A desire for the finite answer can make one rush into taking action that is based on incomplete reflection; that's not to say that you should only act when 100% sure, but sometimes the pressure is too hard to hone in on a lifepath without sufficient opportunity for reflection on where the junction is between one's gifts and the needs of the world.

Sometimes the quest for certainty can lead one to reduce the equation of reflection, conversation, prayer, etc. that allows for a holistic discernment. The reduction might produce a quicker answer, but will it be a better one?

My big question is why is there a pressure to know? Why do we push so hard to get that "answer"? Every bit counts toward the bigger discernment picture. Though I won't say "everything happens for a reason" (right, J-Po?), I will say that God's omnipotence has ordained a grace-filled existence for us based on His benevolent love for us in our journey through living our life in freedom.

Each step on the journey is revelatory if we let it be. I find a peace in my open-endedness. Part of that comes from having assembled a puzzle of options to leap into for the time after my looming graduation and knowing that there are plenty of seas left to be explored as I finish college and consider the prospects of graduate schools beyond Notre Dame (though I'd love to M-A here), service programs beyond Teach Bhride (which I'd love to serve), and hybrid programs beyond ECHO (which I think would fit me well).

However, the greatest part of the peace that keeps me grounded even when I start to go a bit "runaway" is the reality that my vocation right now is to have an open-ended vocation--not knowing my vocation is integral to my formation and discernment. There is a significance to my not having a strong certainty in what phase of life I'll ultimately end up in or exactly what job I can get and work in. There's a significance to not having an exact idea of where I'll be this summer or next year or beyond.

I can continue experiencing the graces of my life through the lens of this open-endedness in a way that forms me crucially for whatever phase of life or vocation I discover. The experience of life as I live it is different in this state, and it is truly a blessing. The reality that I lack a definite answer is not an anxiety-causing, stress-inducing, negative pressure; rather, it is a grace.