Rounding out on the eve of Vision 2010

This past ten days has been a whirlwind of intensive pastoral-theological training, socializing and relationship building, some concrete work, and team- and community-building. It also been a time of emotional and relationship change, growth, and upheaval. Without going into the specifics of either the formal stuff or the things life held, I can simply say that this has been a significant, crazy but solid period of final yet non-ultimate formation.

The powers of community have been so apparent all around. I learned with my friend how to embrace and appreciate the full reciprocity of community. Regardless of which is easier or harder for a person, often we can forget that community involves both being intentionally present for brothers and sisters as well as utilizing their support to be present for you in your problems. I learned how to help someone realize that reciprocity while taking advantage anew of the support of my brothers and sisters. The best example I have is mildly surprising.

Solid runs with my broha's Colin and Kurt have taken us down sidewalks and wooded trails but also to places of sharing, vulnerability, and trust that are so life-giving. The conversations occur alongside physical engagement and serve as a beautiful grace in such a way that we can honestly feel that we've prayed by sharing this experience. That's just a microcosm of the various threads and flavors of community that are brewing all around me. My heart is overflowing right now with all these streams of love to reflect upon, and I hope that God will continue gracing me with the love while also helping strengthen me to let myself be loved, to love back rightly, and to be appropriately aware of the love in thought, prayer, and life.

I also found a beautiful peace in the final Eucharist of this whirlwind. I had my first Reconciliation experience in six months the day before, and I followed the idea we will try to encourage of finding a negative pattern in my life rather than simply laundry-listing sins. By doing so, I was in a place of better self-perspective. Ironically, or maybe not, I did not feel an overwhelming deluge of grace or transformation. And somehow that was just right. I felt a peace that was a process, and the sacrament was just a cementing, a final step, in that process of healing that God shepherded me through.

In building the pastoral skills and learning the logistics of our role as mentors-in-faith for Vision, I have really felt at home as a counselor as opposed to a musician. Having been rejected last year in my audition for the band, I struggled with feeling that in principle I belonged in that group. It was a beautiful gift to not be rejected but rather redirected to positively realize my place. I am built, in my gifts and outlook, to be present to these participants as a counselor. I know that in my head AND heart now, and it's not a negative thing at all; I have positively embraced my call to serve here as a small group counselor. Jess is running the band this year and thanked the counselors for participating fully with the band in the prayer during the prep weekend, and she encouraged us to use our energy and confidence to lend the joy we feel to our singing and in that way give permission to the kids to join us. What an opportunity for me to serve rightly: singing is a gift and a passion for me, but it's not THE gift for me... so here I have a real chance to embrace my place somewhere between a clueless and timid singer and a Musician. May God guide me into a joy-filled happy middle.

As we wrapped on our intentional day of progressing toward dwelling in the promise of God in a away that would allow us to serve best, our small groups digested the day. I sat back and listened to many good insights before I was invited to break my silence. God inspired me with the insight that will guide my initial approach to this ministry: I must find a peace with all I have been, all I am, and all I am being and couple that with this process of formation to be in a place of wholeness and balance; in this way, no part of me will be imposed on the conference or the people, but rather, the participants can draw out of me what they need most. If I am in a peaceful balance and wholeness, with God's help, the right aspects of me and my formation will meet my new friends where they can most help. So my prayer is that God may make me whole, amid all the struggle and apparent hardship, amid all the ecstasy and joy.

My iTunes song-mantra-night prayer as Day One nears is White as Snow by Jon Foreman...
"Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole"