Trust and Humility

In the fall semester, I promised myself as a condition of coming to terms with going abroad that I would make the most of my time. It seemed that in the little things throughout the day and looking back on my days in sleeptime prayer, God was pushing me to embrace patience more and more. I became good and content with living in the now, aware of things coming on the horizon but not overlooking the things in today. Unfortunately, the side-effect of that is that I have become super-itinerant and struggle to slow my mind down and relax in the moment. I live in the moment, but I'm racing mentally to exploit the moment for all its worth.

My simultaneous failure and success on silent retreat showed me I am incapable of profound quiet/silence. I struggle to sit completely still and totally quiet the waters of my head to move into my heart. I found an effective way in prayer to move to God in His arms and allow my worries to happen in Him instead of at Him, and I hope that can help calm me down. But Darrell Paulsen once told me prayer can't just be "worrying before God".

My new charism is trust and humility, humility and trust. I think these are two very related virtues that are also ideals--things that are impossible to achieve in perfection but worthwhile things to pursue for self-reform. A major fault of myself is presumptuousness; I am quick to criticize, even if sarcastically (which is a horrible default feature we cultivate in ourselves and each other that bleeds over from joking into seriousness), because I assume I have it right in my head. Little examples, especially in deciding a route to take in exploration walking here in London, have kicked me in the face to show me how stupid I really can be when I assume my infallibility. The solution is learning to give people more merit before they even speak--giving them the chance to be right and smarter than me, because God knows they often are.

The complement to humility is trust, a greater trust in God. If one trusts in God, there really is nothing to fear, for God finds good even in the evilest of acts. I've adapted some of the prayers of the monks from Gethsemani, including a part of Compline that I use while praying at night and moving into sleep: I will lie down and sleep comes at once, for you alone Lord make me dwell in safety. Even something as simple as sleeping can become easier and more peaceful through trust, especially for me. I lay on my back and don't let myself turn to a fetal position (which is where I fall asleep most of the time) until I've prayed, and sometimes this takes a while if I let myself drift or just worry incessantly in an nonconstructive way--this can be healthy and helpful, but in my case it can just get ridiculous.

The path to cultivating these virtues is rough and tough, and I know it's a process. It's just another of the charisms I want to adopt and add to my arsenal of tools that helps knock me off my pedestal and stay focused on becoming a fuller, better person.

• Love generously, unconditionally, and instantaneously
• Stop. Think. Pray.
• Cultivate humility and trust.