The Raging Waters Within

Friends,

I have been realizing in the flurry of life that is being abroad that there is so much of so many going on. So much in so many categories. And high on that list for me is the ongoing spiritual development I feel called to so strongly by what I deem my vocation (ministerial leadership) and my ideal of always being a role model.

I look back fondly on Catholics on Call from this summer as a key moment in my formation--the talks from adults, the group sharing, the general interaction between like-minded people form so many backgrounds and academic disciplines, and most especially, the interpersonal conversation with beloved people that made me realize how joyous and positive vulnerable sharing can be. I learned a lot from the entirety of the experience and especially those experiences. Most importantly, more than what I learned, was the how: I learned how fruitful and full-of-life intimate, honest, genuine, heartfelt conversation can be with other real, true people.

I have gained the constant desire to experience these exchanges, at first driving myself a bit crazy trying to force them and then settling back into the calm life-flow that lets me thrive. Taking these conversations in as they happen and learning how to engage people best in those situations is so valuable and illuminating to my life.

The result of all that and the new layers to my introspection, self-review, and personal reform is the somewhat exhausting and ongoing process of being seemingly perpetually analytical (in a stop-think-pray sense; not just academically or superficially). This is a crucial time of self-discovery and formation, so it is important to undertake these processes within yourself. However, it can be so intense sometimes and I can get so involved in seeking to consider ways to improve myself that it distracts from putting it to use.

In other words, if I am always figuring out how I act, how to improve it, and how it fits the Christian life, how do I ever live it? Where is the balance between ongoing self-reform and living the changes? I know I have recognized important things and try to live them. However, I feel that sometimes I find important things so frequently that none of them stay significantly involved in intentional minute-by-minute practice.

I think now, with the flurry of self-discovery that hits you living abroad, it will be hard to calm that part of me and tilt the balance heavily toward living what I've learned. But I have tried to step one bit backward from it by returning to my "stop-think-pray" mantra, writing it back on my hand like I used to and pushing it back to the forefront. With Vision looming after the year and potentially a year of being an RA ahead, I don't know when I'll ever be able to really step off my higher level of self-inspection. Hopefully the processes that continue within will form me in very important ways that I cannot know for a while or perhaps ever.