Each birthday of my oldest daughter, Lucy, of course marks her getting another year older, but it tallies another year of something else, too. Her seventh birthday last month was also quietly the start of my eighth year as mostly a stay-at-home parent.
It’s not a big milestone or an even, round number. Yet as Lucy, our 4-year-old Cecilia, and our 4-month-old Brigid settle into life with my wife and our mom, Katherine, being fully back to work after maternity leave, and my enjoying a short paid leave from my part-time job, it’s a good time for me to take stock of the call – my call – of the stay-at-home parent.
Why did we decide that I’d stay home?
Practically, our parents (Lucy’s grandparents) were all working at the time and not closeby enough to provide regular childcare. The cost of childcare wouldn’t be hugely different than the reduction in Catholic school salary I’d take going down to part-time. And Katherine was working three twelve-hour shifts each week and beginning part-time doctoral studies, so she had four days that were open and flexible as her shifts were requested and assigned. After some poking around at full-time opportunities, I could tell my heart wasn’t in going back to work fully.
As we discussed it more and more, we both felt strongly that we’d like to avoid daycare and instead care for our daughter ourselves as much as we could. I’d liken our mindset on staying home versus daycare to the breastmilk-versus-formula debate: while some prefer one or the other, there isn’t a clear and definite answer as to which might be better or worse; ultimately, a parent’s job is to feed and nourish their child, on whichever of the routes they choose. We don’t deride or discount daycare; we just didn’t think it was for us. We wanted our daughter home with us, going out from home with us, and spending most of her baby time with us.
My role in a Catholic school could flexibly scale down, and to keep Katherine on a good track to grater professional scope and earning power, we needed to keep her progressing through school. In retrospect, it’s clear that I underestimated the existential and fundamental sacrifice she was making, and I took for granted the ease with which I could make the shift and that, for the life we wanted, she could not.
I went down to 50% time and 50% salary, and I started focusing on life at home, with just two days a week spent at work. My thoughts shifted more heavily to grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, and cleaning; to morning playtime, afternoon walks, and regular social outings; to retaining some ministerial outlet while serving in intentionally narrowed, constrained ways.
Reallocating my focus and energy felt right to the husband, father, and minister God made me to be. I could serve a small group of students in service, prayer, and retreat ministries. I also could dedicate a greater proportion of my time and energy to my wife and daughter to make our household hum and accompany my daughter through her little life’s milestones and daily ho-hums.
Why have I continued to stay home?
I’ve known since that initial decision that I couldn’t be 100% stay-at-home, and I knew I couldn’t do it forever. Approaching it as a 10-to-12-year idea, and keeping a toe dipped into ministry life, I knew and know I can continue doing this with and for my family.
In 2019, as I spent my second year part-time in a Catholic high school and its campus ministry, I was losing my foothold and wondered how I could continue this work. I felt like a weak link on a strong staff, trying to give bits to my students in two days a week while clearly not treating them, the school, or the community as my priority. I was awed by my colleagues’ dedication and service, and I knew I wouldn’t give what they were giving because I wouldn’t overextend myself and dilute my presence at home.
As I weighed nonetheless trying another year at this, a dear friend in a religious community invited me to consider joining their staff. He was proposing one day a week at the headquarters and flexible additional time to add up to a part-time role. That arrangement coupled with the chance to shift more so to back-office support and less hands-on ministry was ideal. I made the tough choice to move on from high schools and settle into this different role for my work.
Katherine completed her doctorate and then moved to a standard workweek as an outpatient nurse practitioner. Now I needed coverage for my day away from the house since she was done with shift-work. Thankfully, we were blessed by familial support. Katherine’s mom had retired from teaching, and my dad had retired from banking since Lucy was born. They were both more than ready to step in while I stepped out, taking turns each week on one weekday with our kiddos.
This sustained balance, where I could take a day away for meetings, independent work, site visits, and some programmatic stuff was perfect to keep me engaged in meaningful work and provide a change of pace (and a break) from home life. Once again, it’s easier to see in retrospect than in the exact moment how my wife simply soldiered on with a full load while I had the benefit of greater flexibility in being the secondary income and moving things around in these ways.
This role in support of vocation ministry, youth and young adult ministry, and social media and communications with my brothers and priests has been a great way to continue developing and honing skills, supporting those in more active, full-time ministry, and staying engaged in Church life. And it’s left me six days a week of flexible time to focus on our family life and household and weasel bits of work into the nooks and crannies where it more easily fits.
I can’t guarantee a comparable arrangement could fall into place for everyone, but I can say that open marital conversations, humble asks to beloved family members, honest conversations with professional contacts and supervisors, and a good sense of humor along the way are all needed ingredients to attempt to assemble such a puzzle.
I’m grateful God made me to be both husband/father and minister, and I’m grateful to be connected to people and communities that embrace these multiple vocations. But part of this is that I have greater peace knowing that this need not be the forever arrangement.
Theoretically, I’ll look to transition back to full-time work when Brigid starts kindergarten in fall of 2029, which would mark about 12½ years of home life. All the girls would be in full-day schools, and our coverage needs would trim down to before and after school time.
However, unlike when Lucy and Ceci were babies and I was fresher into this, I’d say I’m now more open to flipping the switch before then. On the one hand, I more frequently worry that I’m more burnt out than I realize or know, that my creativity and vigor isn’t what it once was for daily home life, or that maybe the kids would be better off with a fresh situation. But on the whole, I still relish assembling the week’s calendar and dropping in park district activities, library visits, zoo and arboretum outings, and playdates with friends and family.
Additionally, I wonder if, after another several years of professional ministry and networking and experience, if a certain opportunity may arise that is too good to pass up. Is there a role or set of ministries that draw me in? Is there a new configuration to family life or new compensation opportunity that can shift our parental and familial roles? Is there someone I know who comes to me with a major invitation?
Who knows.
I’d just say that when Lucy was a baby, I couldn’t even imagine shifting. Now, seven years and three kids into this, I have a little more curiosity as I consider the futures that may be ahead.
For now, my part-time role is perfect for flexibility and a professional outlet, and I’m calmly going bit by bit.
* * *
On the whole, I think of this call to stay-at-home parenting as a strong reflection of the free choice we hope every person and parent would be free to make. In social justice, we long for an economy in which each person can make a stable living and support themselves and their family, making holistic choices in freedom and love rather than totally by financial necessity. We still have a ways to go to universalize paid parental leave, make childcare more affordable and subsidize stay-at-home parents, and restructure the child tax credit to be direct payments to working-class and middle-class families. Because of my parents, my wife’s parents, our families, the education and development opportunities we’ve received all lifelong, Katherine and I now as spouses and parents can approach this with freedom where we can make this set of choices.
In my privilege, I can take my upbringing, my financial stability, and my education and choose to step away from the workforce and the economy and productivity and instead contribute by more directly raising my kids and serving my family. In my privilege, I can depend on my wife’s intelligence, competence, and excellence to earn an outstanding living for our family and work less for a salary and work more for my family.
I want parents to be able to make this choice with the primary motivation being their love of their families, and I’m grateful that we were free to choose this path in this freedom.
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