My Little Spin with Therapy

by Dan Masterton

The steady growth of mental health awareness the last few years has been a long time coming. For example, this past week, when we saw NFL coaches reacting to a major on-field tragedy by giving their players space and grace to process, I was flabbergasted (in a good way) to see something positive that likely wouldn’t have happened even five years ago.

Jaquan Brisker trains w/ Bills safety Damar Hamlin and considers him a close friend he's known since 8th grade. Brisker said he had to step away from the facility this week (he was DNP during Wed. walk thru, listed as 'personal') and praised Bears staff for having his back.

— Courtney Cronin (@CourtneyRCronin) January 8, 2023

I have plenty of close friends and family members who have shared positive stories of seeking therapy. They’ve celebrated lowering their stress, identifying strategies for self-management, and finding a higher baseline for everyday life.

At different points over the last several years, I’ve wondered whether or not I should take the plunge. I certainly have some highs and lows to my days and weeks and months. I also feel like I manage myself well and don’t notice in myself many of the hallmarks of mental health struggles. Yet, almost like the value of physical exams for well-visits to the doctor, I imagined there could be definite good in giving it a shot.

So, after years of hemming and hawing – and ultimately deferring – in mid-2022, I enlisted an online telehealth service (I chose MDLive, which let me pay one appointment at a time for a per-use fee rather than requiring a subscription with higher appointment frequency and recurring payment). I matched with a nice middle-aged Christian gentleman in downstate Illinois. We spent the first meeting talking through lots of introductory stuff for about an hour. I wanted to focus on impatience and anger, and the way I misdirected it at my children and wife and frustrations, over pet peeves and inanity in daily life as a mostly stay-at-home parent. He worked me through these areas gently and pieced together a pretty good snapshot of my personality.

We met a second time, doubling back to many of the same stories and questions, and digging into my emotions and mindset in anecdotes I recalled to add color to my explanations. What did we find?

First, while he said he didn’t feel any of my traits lended themselves to a particular condition or diagnosis, he identified my tendencies as being closest to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I didn’t bristle; if anything, I felt seen! He accurately identified that I’m happiest and stablest when things go smoothly and efficiently and that I struggle most when things get messy, complicated, or mixed up.

Second, he encouraged me to study Choice Theory, which he talked me through carefully during our appointments. Essentially, Choice Theory (according to the Glasser Institute) is “based on the simple premise that every individual only has the power to control themselves and has limited power to control others.” The self-management strategy, then, is to look at a situation and ask what one can control and what is outside one’s control, and use that to remain calmer and more peaceful.

As someone with tendencies toward being a control freak, I worried a bit about what this might cause, but in practice, I found that it guides me toward a moderated approach. I find myself using the question “what can I control?” as a brain-break moment when I start to look my patience or my temper spikes; it’s the mantra I mumble or think as I step away or take a deep breath. It helps me focus better on tending to the things I can control and more easily letting go of the components beyond my control.

It also orients me toward prioritizing “connecting habits” over “disconnecting habits.” For example, trusting over nagging, and listening and support over complaining and blaming.

Here's a list of examples from Glasser.

After two appointments, we both felt pretty good about where I was. He left the door open for me to return for appointments whenever I wanted, but neither of us felt like it was imperative to continue with high frequency.

I agreed. It has been several months since I saw him, and I feel steady in rolling these positive strategies into my daily mindset. It’s nice to know I’ve established contact and have a connection with someone who can definitely help me, someone to whom I could return for further conversations. And also that I may not need to see him weekly or even monthly to find benefit for me where I am at.

All of this is to say that nothing about therapy was incompatible with my Catholic Christian faith, morals or values. On the contrary, I found that my therapist was explicitly respectful of my religious motivations and even sought to uphold those fundamentals in the way I think and act. And I felt that his advice for identifying and utilizing new mindset strategies could and would in fact improve my ability to do good, avoid evil, and build loving relationships.

My hope is that anyone who hasn’t tried therapy gives it a shot at some point. Even if you feel mentally healthy, it has the same effect as a physical exam – it’s a mental analog to checking your vital signs, examining your body and systems, and giving advice for continued physical wellness.

And if you have concerns about how your beliefs might impact how therapy will work, give it a try and see. You can use search methods to look for a Christian or Christian-conversant therapist. You can bring up your religious beliefs early in the first appointment. And you could switch therapists if you don’t find a good fit at first – many, if not most, people need to talk to a few folks before they match well with someone.