This Option Isn't Optional, Dude.

Coming off of winter break, I planned a simple activity to ease my eighth-grade students back into school on the first period of the first day back. We started with our usual journal, and this time I asked them to do a double-journal - first, reflect on your favorite gift from Christmas; then, reflect on your favorite memory from break. I was hoping they'd get some of their materialistic-ness out of their systems and then move to a different level by thinking about people and spending time together.

Man, did they struggle.

They wrote some of the more unimaginative and forced five-sentence paragraphs I've seen. Many of them were very rote and face-value, with all but a few kids struggling to acknowledge the people who gave them the gifts, who knew their personalities, who made an effort to bring them a nice treat at the holiday.

So after that discussion didn't go so great, I transitioned into the real point of the exercise: writing a thank you note to someone who they had mentioned in their journals. I passed out paper and had markers ready for them to create their cards.

Man, did they struggle.

Except for a few who took time write to a heartfelt note, most couldn't get themselves to pick someone and write a few lines of gratitude. A few who got writing wrote the terse, inauthentic things you'd expect while others left mostly blank pages. Some of this was attributable to the return-to-school malaise, but that couldn't explain all of it. I think there's something cultural and/or generational getting in the way here.

It's certainly not uncommon for people to struggle with showing or receiving gratitude. Many of us, me included, tend to get awkward or dismissive of gratefulness, so maybe that leads people to not show the gratitude as much in the first place? It's hard to diagnose the problem all the way.

Personally, I always struggle at Christmas because I am constantly trying to remain a minimalist and keep my materialism low. I don't want more stuff. But there are people who want to get gifts for me, and they want to know what I want or need. I am always torn over how to handle this because I want to stick to my guns, but I don't want to be rude or insulting to my friends and family. Add to all of this that I'm one of those people who's "hard to shop for" as well. I'm quite the handful.

So I try to find some simple things that have hints of need but qualify usually more as wants, or at least as non-necessities. For example, I asked for some running tights to keep to the running routine in Winter (at least when it's above 25º outside), and I ended up getting two pairs of tights plus some pullovers and some other running clothes. Also, the gift cards and checks (my birthday falls on 12/26, making this even more complex but also leading to the frequent overshadowing of my birthday (fine by me!)) that roll in are a nice help.

On the whole, I just can't shake the feeling of excess - all these things make me anxious and evoke a kind of ingratitude, not unlike what I faced from my students. Again, I try to be gracious but struggle. I catalogue the gift cards and work them into the budget. I try on the clothes, pull the tags, and add them to my closet. I go out and pick up a few fun or needed things with the gift cards - chief among them this year were supplies to redo our bedroom closet organization (an eventual success!) and some books to take advantage of the winter break.

But I remain preoccupied.

Fresh off of teaching the Preferential Option for the Poor and Marginalized to my seniors, I have the words fresh in my head - consider the marginalized in every decision I make, individually, communally, and socially. How was the way the holiday went considerate of the marginalized? How had my giving and receiving honored this call?

My wife and I had kicked in extra to the collection at our parish. We had mutually agreed to skip gifts and instead plan a long weekend in the new year, to make a memory rather than get more things. But I hadn't made the effort to put together a food package for the hungry, to go and serve with a group in need, or to buy gifts especially for a group that might go without. I had written personal notes to go with my gifts to co-workers, and I had scaled back my wants for gifts coming to me; however, I still feel like that's not enough.

I like to look for the small signs in day-to-day life, always trying to be attentive to the small voice of God rather than expecting the burning bush to appear.

Heading into travels during break, I indulged in my gift cards to a bookstore and picked up a couple new reads. Usually, I try to get books from the library or to buy them used via Amazon. In this case, I paid the up-charge for the convenience of the new book I could get right away. The very first time I sat down with my new book, I cracked open a can of pop to drink as I read. As the seal broke and the bits flew out, I got pop on the edges of my new book. As the little red stains appeared on the pages, I smiled.

While out of town, I went out for a run and donned my nice, new pullover - a perfect fit in my favorite color and nicer than any I'd ever bought for myself. As I looped back from a lap around a local lake, I hopped on to the sidewalk that led me back home. Along the houses' front lawns were chain link fences. As I cruised along, I was swerving around bush branches and cracks and potholes in the sidewalk, and I snagged my sleeve on the top of a fence. I turned to inspect my elbow, and along my bicep was a healthy hole. As I saw the damage to my brand new pullover, I smiled.

Just now, I added an event to my Google calendar. Two months before Christmas at the end of this year, I now have a reminder to myself to figure this all out ahead of time. Instead of weathering the rush of needing ideas for friends, family, and co-workers for gifts that inevitably distract from the best goals of the season, I want to get out ahead of that all next year. As I work on ideas for these people, I want to have a real plan for myself, too - a plan that honors the preferential option that I teach, that I believe in, and that I could always be living out more fully in my faith life. I want to be able to approach it in a way that honors that belief while also being respectful to the people who want to support me.

Thank you to those of you who took care of me over this past Christmas, birthday, and new year celebrations. I am grateful for your patience with me and the sticks that are up my butt. I promise that I am always trying to figure them out more and more and hope you know that my apparent ingratitude or stodginess comes from a good place. I promise I'll keep working on it. It's even on my calendar.