Let Him In.

I was sitting at daily mass the other day, and as I looked diagonally to my left, in my sightline to the altar and the Eucharistic prayer, there were two special needs adults with their helper. I struggled to keep my gaze fixed on the altar as their simple movements and jitters were a part of their participation in the mass.

New translation and responses aside, the man held the card with the words printed on it upside down as he briefly studied it, and the woman stood and sat with gentle self-awareness, knowing she was in the front, without a kneeler and with everyone's eyes behind her.

The man gingerly followed his helper out after mass. The woman dutifully brought her water bottle to the holy water dispenser and filled it up almost to full.

A week earlier, I sat behind two older ladies and their grandchildren. The kids squirmed and fussed during mass, the boy being more antsy than the quietly composed girl. They played with each other and sometimes looked to their elders for affirmation and attention. They hardly knew they were in a sacred place, and their attention was scattered. The girl fending off playful attacks from the boy, and the boy plotting his next sporadic move.

I struggled differently to connect with what was going on in the sanctuary those days, but it focused my connection through the people around me, the Body of Christ in front of me in my fellow congregants.

I thought to myself - how lucky are we to not have our distractedness, our sometimes uninspired sense of obligation, our short attention span, our unsureness about what to do or think or say... how blessed are we that all those things remain inside us, only to come out as we see fit to share them?

Mass would certainly be a lot harder for me if my short attention span or my tangential reflection (sometimes good, sometimes excessive) were externalized and put on display. My self-awareness would spike, and I might close up pretty severely.

How blessed am I that my sins, my struggles, my crosses are things that I can share with people as I desire, as I build trust, as I attempt vulnerability?

Little kids and mentally challenged adults are some of those who don't get the chance to keep it in inside. Thank God most children have families who practice patience as their children grow and mature, and thank God that people like Sarah and Flan join programs like L'Arche to care for those people that need the extra attention to realize their dignity as created children of God.

Meanwhile, we should be grateful that we have the chance to sort it all out within us and share it with others as we need. I am grateful that my faults are not all completely broadcast externally. I have the control to let people into my challenges.

The hardest challenge can often be letting God into our internal struggles. I use the right words, say the right things, but the trials of my hardest challenges can be mitigated somewhat by God to the degree I commit to prayer and allow Him to shoulder the load with me and for me.